http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-MNTMwbMgg
I did it all by myself (except one voice contributed by my lovely wife), and it shows. I know, it's pretty amateurish. The idea was that someone, someone who could actually do animation and stuff, would see that it had potential and then make a better version. Actually, the dream was that it would be an immediate sensation and spark incredible controversy over its depiction of religion and I'd go on CNN with my voice and face masked and my family would be threatened and I'd have to go into hiding and live in fear the rest of my life. (And maybe I'd get some money out of the deal.)
It didn't quite work out that way. My friends loved it, but no one else saw it. I actually paid YouTube $100 to show it like an ad, and that pushed the views into triple digits, but most of those people didn't like it.
Then I found out that you can submit videos to Cracked, so I got very excited about that. I dove into the online creative community they have there, and submitted "Jesus Christ Cop" for consideration. The response I got from the Cracked staff was that it was too much like "South Park" (which is true, I suppose), and that there were technical problems (which they were actually wrong about, but whatever).
It was very kind of them to review my submission, and it really wasn't a terrible rejection, objectively speaking. Regardless, I felt like I'd been stabbed in the gut. It convinced me to give up.
I know, I know, if you want to go into a creative field you have to learn to take rejection and keep trying. Here's the thing though -- I don't need to go into a creative field so badly that I'm willing to take all that rejection. Even if I succeeded in the end, it wouldn't be worth the pain and disappointment to me. That's just my personal cost-benefit analysis, based on my personal emotional makeup -- other people have different ones. For me, it would be like banging my head against a brick wall to try to break through to a beautiful spring day. The spring day would be great, but I'd end up on the other side with a severe concussion and lots of wasted time and bad memories.
But anyway, I'm still sad that the other five episodes I wrote will never get produced. I'm not going to do them by myself -- it took literally six months just to do a crappy version of the easiest one to animate.
So here are the scripts for the other episodes. Some are better than others, and some material is a bit dated already -- Pope Benedict makes several appearances, for example. But hopefully, someone enjoys them. If it makes just one person laugh, then it's all ... well, not worthwhile, exactly, but at least I get a blog post out of it.
Jesus Christ, Cop, Episode II
Opening titles:
On December 21, 2012, Jesus Christ returned to Earth, as promised in Scripture.
He immediately solved a number of problems.
He resolved all the problems in the Middle East.
He fixed global warming through the use of electric cars, wind farms, a carbon tax … it was really complicated.
He released the gift for the man who has everything (shot of him hawking life-size crosses on QVC)
A new age of peace and prosperity dawned.
But crime never sleeps. So he did what any good citizen would do … he became …
JESUS CHRIST. COP.
EPISODE II: (make this as dramatic and huge as possible, each with a big music sting)
JESUS’
DAY
OFF!!
Shot of Jesus ambling down the street amiably.
JESUS
(singing to himself)
Jesus walks! God show em the way cuz the devil trying to break me down. Jesus walks with me …
ST. PAUL runs into frame in JESUS’ path and immediately prostrates himself.
PAUL
Jesus, my Lord and Savior, giver of life, taker of ... um ... bad things …
JESUS
(not terribly happy to see him)
Oh, Paul, geez, I told you, no bowing, I’m one of you guys now.
PAUL
(standing)
I beg your most honorable grace and forgiveness …
JESUS
Yeah, it’s OK, Paul, it’s cool.
PAUL
Your Grace should be proud to learn that I have been spreading the word of your power and glory.
JESUS
Yeah, Paul, I mean, not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty famous already.
WOMAN
(jumping into frame)
Jesus! Could you sign my Bible?
JESUS
Of course, my dear! Who should I make it out to?
WOMAN
My children, Madison, Dakota, Manhattan, and South Dakota.
JESUS
(mumbles as he writes)
Dear kids … be cool, stay in school … xoxo … JC.
WOMAN
Oh thank you so much Jesus! I’m your biggest fan!
JESUS
Oh, no problem, thank you!
(turning to PAUL)
See what I mean?
PAUL
(aside, as if relaying a terrible secret)
There are parts of this world that do not acknowledge your supreme divinity.
JESUS
(putting his head in his hands)
Paul, I told you, no wars.
PAUL
No, I just wrote letters, like you said.
JESUS
Oh, OK. Who did you write to?
PAUL
The Ephesians.
JESUS
All of them?
PAUL
I just addressed it to “The Ephesians.”
JESUS
See, you don’t really write letters to entire cities, Paul. Usually letters go to just one person. And I don’t think the Ephesians exist anymore …
PAUL
(handing him a letter)
Here’s the response.
JESUS takes it, takes out his reading glasses, and looks it over.
JESUS
Oh, well, my apologies. Let’s see … (reading) Dear Sir or madam, thank you very much for your letter …. We regret that we cannot respond to every letter personally but … Paul, this is a form letter!
PAUL
Look at the bottom.
We see JESUS’ POV as it falls to the bottom of the page. There, under the typewritten form letter are large, scrawled words “COME TOMORROW AT 3. BRING CASH.”
JESUS
Paul, that doesn’t sound good.
PAUL
(producing two plane tickets)
I already got us plane tickets.
JESUS
Paul, I was really hoping to enjoy my day off.
PAUL
Here comes the plane.
Silly fake human-made whoosh sound effects of a plane coming into view from the top right and then exiting the top left, without stopping. The plane takes up the whole screen at the bottom, and when it leaves the frame, Jesus and Paul are gone.
EXT. DESERT
There’s nothing but some rolling sand dunes. Same silly human-made sound as the plane swoops in and leaves, leaving JESUS and PAUL.
PAUL
Ephesia! At long last!
JESUS
(looking around)
Paul, I don’t think anyone lives here.
PAUL
Here comes someone.
THE EMPEROR from Star Wars comes into view.
THE EMPEROR
Hello. Are you Jesus?
JESUS
I am! You must be an Ephesian!
He goes to shake hands. PAUL takes out a gun and points it at the EMPEROR.
PAUL
Worship him or die!
JESUS
Paul, no no no! Put the gun away!
(he does so)
I apologize for my friend. He can be a bit fervent.
THE EMPEROR
It is understandable. I have heard great things about you, Mr. Christ.
JESUS
Please, Mr. Christ was my father! Call me Jesus.
THE EMPEROR
And I know that you would like my vote. But if me and my people are to follow you, we must be assured that you hate all gay people.
JESUS
(getting suspicious)
Uh-huh … how many are there of you Ephesians?
THE EMPEROR
Oh, at least a million. Maybe a billion.
JESUS
Yeah … and where is everybody right now?
THE EMPEROR
They are all out having gay sex … and uh, also worshipping Satan at the same time. That’s because Satan is gay. He’s a gay icon, just like Liza.
JESUS
Interesting … well, I’m sorry, Mr. Ephesian, but I preach love and acceptance, so I can’t condemn anyone because of whom they love. And speaking of love … you know what us Christians really love?
THE EMPEROR
Self-flagellation?
JESUS
Tickling!!!!
JESUS starts tickling the EMPEROR. The EMPEROR starts laughing and his hood falls off. When that happens, it is revealed that it is actually POPE BENEDICT, complete with giant hat. The face looks pretty much the same, of course.
JESUS
Ha! I knew it was you, Benny!
POPE BENEDICT
(now with a silly German accent)
Oh, you got me. How did you know?
JESUS
Oh, the irrational hatred of gays.
POPE BENEDICT
Ach, you know me so well.
JESUS
Yes, I know everyone very well. Before you were born, I knew you. When you were being carried in your mother’s womb, I knew you. When you cried because your cousin Wilhelm stole all your Gobots, I knew you.
POPE BENEDICT
Is that what happened to my Gobots? I thought I lost them! Ach du lieber ….
JESUS
Hey hey hey. It’s not important who stole whose Gobots. Life is full of Gobots. The Gobots of youth give way to the Gobots of old age. Gather ye Gobots as you may, for Gobots are like candles in the wind. Gobots are ephemeral -- only the love of God for all his creation is eternal.
POPE BENEDICT
You’re right. As always! Ha ha ha …
JESUS
Hey, I thought you were the infallible one!
POPE BENEDICT
Oh yes, ah ha ha ha …
There is a little pause as they stop laughing. There’s a little “Ehh …” sort of deflating sound that people sometimes do after laughing.
JESUS looks over at PAUL, who we haven’t seen in frame for a while. PAUL is upside down, with only his head touching the ground.
JESUS
Paul, why are you upside down?
PAUL
I got bored.
Cut suddenly to the credits with CRASH bang zoom sort of theme.
EPISODE III
Opening titles:
On December 21, 2012, Jesus Christ returned to Earth, as promised in Scripture.
He immediately solved a number of problems.
He resolved all the problems in the Middle East.
He fixed global warming through the use of electric cars, wind farms, a carbon tax … it was really complicated.
He consulted with Xzibit to "pimp out" Lutheran churches (shot of Jesus and Xzibit inside a Catholic church).
A new age of peace and prosperity dawned.
But crime never sleeps. So he did what any good citizen would do … he became …
JESUS CHRIST. COP.
INT. CONCERT HALL
JESUS stands on a stage, beatboxing. He’s pretty good. At some point we cut back to see a big sign above saying “121st Annual Police Talent Show.” JESUS does a big finish and there is thunderous applause. JESUS smiles and bows.
INT. BACKSTAGE
The disciples PETER, ANDREW and PHILIP stand backstage. They are all dressed like JESUS, with long beards and hair and flowing white robes with badges attached. JESUS comes running up.
JESUS
Guess, what, Peter, I rocked it! I may have also rolled it!
PETER
(begrudgingly)
Yeah, great, Jesus.
JESUS runs off excitedly.
PETER
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. It’s all I hear these days. Jesus did this, Jesus did that. Jesus died for your sins. Jesus tore the roof off the mothersucker. I mean, he only gets applause because he’s famous.
ANDREW
I don’t know, Peter, he was pretty good.
PETER
You’re telling me he was better than my routine?
CUT TO: PETER on stage. He is flexing his very small muscles and raising one eyebrow. “Like a Rock” is playing in the background (a farcical version that I’ll sing, that is).
PETER
Can you smell what the Peter is cooking?
Dead silence in the crowd. Crickets chirp.
PETER
Andrew, get your dancing crickets out of here.
ANDREW is standing off stage with some crickets in sparkly top hats.
ANDREW
Sorry, Peter.
CUT BACK TO: Backstage
PETER
I mean, you guys got it, right?
PHILIP
No, not really.
PETER
See, I’m the Rock of the church, and there’s this wrestler named the Rock. See?
PHILIP
Oh, then, I guess I did get it.
PETER
See, you guys understand. But that crowd, man, they’ll just applaud anything Jesus does. I’m getting sick of it. I tell you what, we should snub him.
ANDREW
Really?
PETER
Yeah, he’s not friends with me anymore. I’ll totally snub you guys too if you talk to him.
BIG MUSIC PRODUCER walks up, a big guy with pumpkin head chomping on a cigar.
BIG MUSIC PRODUCER
Hello, I’m a big famous music producer. Do you know Jesus?
PETER
No, never heard of him.
BIG MUSIC PRODUCER
Jesus Christ? Probably the most famous person in the world? You’ve never heard of him?
PETER
Hmmm … No, can’t say it rings a bell …
BIG MUSIC PRODUCER
He’s right over there. I saw you talking to him earlier.
PETER
Sorry. Wish I could help you!
We hear a “Cock-a-doodle-doo!”
PETER
Andrew! Could you put your dancing rooster away, please!
ANDREW
(standing with a rooster in a sparkly top hat)
Sorry, Peter.
BIG MUSIC PRODUCER
(quickly)
Well, I have very important music producing to do good-bye.
Cut over to JESUS, receiving adulation from a pack of random people.
JESUS
Oh, thank you, thank you. Geez, that’s awfully nice. Autograph? Of course. (He signs.) Oh, a leper to heal! (Someone sticks a leper in front of his face. He touches him and the leper transforms into a handsome man.) Wonderful, thank you.
PERSON IN CROWD
I love you Jesus!
JESUS
Hey, right back at ya!
ANOTHER PERSON IN CROWD
Jesus, you the man!
JESUS
I am one of them, yes! Thank you for noticing!
YET ANOTHER PERSON IN CROWD
Jesus, I drank your blood last night!
JESUS
Oooh, crazy vampire, ha ha ha!
The adulation suddenly stops cold. CUT TO shot of everyone looking shocked.
JESUS
Oh, uh, you meant in Holy Communion, didn’t you.
No response. Everyone is still stunned.
JESUS
Er. Sorry about that. I, uh …
YET ANOTHER PERSON IN CROWD
Hey, press man!
A guy with a big fedora with a card reading “PRESS” happens to be sauntering by, like the “Keep On Truckin’” guys.
PRESS MAN
Yo!
YET ANOTHER PERSON IN CROWD
(angrily)
Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb! Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb …
YET ANOTHER PERSON IN CROWD keeps yelling underneath JESUS saying under his breath …
JESUS
Uh-oh. I’m in big trouble now …
CUT TO Spinning newspaper hurtling toward the screen. But instead of stopping when it gets to the foreground, it just keeps spinning.
INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE
The CHIEF sits at his desk. JESUS sits opposite, head in hands.
CHIEF
Jesus Christ, Jesus! What have you done? Everyone is so shocked that you have all the newspapers in the world spinning uncontrollably!
JESUS
I know, I know, I feel awful.
CHIEF
How could you forget about Holy Communion? Isn’t that sort of a central thing?
JESUS
It gets so hard to keep track of it all, Chief! Some people believe the bread and wine actually is my body and blood. Some think it’s just a symbol. Some think the Galactic Lord Xenu came to earth and set off a nuclear weapon which destroyed the thetans!
XENU suddenly pops up from the other side of the desk. He looks like a crappy sci-fi hero.
XENU
Are you saying I didn’t?
CHIEF
Xenu, what are you doing in here?
XENU
There were some, uh, thetans in your garbage can.
CHIEF
Get out of here!
XENU takes a janitor’s cart and rolls out of the office.
CHIEF
Anyway, Jesus, seriously, I’m Jewish, and …
JESUS
(interrupting happily)
Oi!
CHIEF
(annoyed at the interruption)
Yes, oi. I’m Jewish, and even I know the importance of Holy Communion. This is your religion, for your sake!
JESUS
Chief, between you and me, that part kinda got blown out of proportion. What really happened was …
WAVY LINES to signify going into a memory. They slowly stop waving and end up at the same shot of JESUS. He is sitting with his eyes closed, happily beatboxing.
CHIEF
Hey! Weren’t you going to tell me the origins of communion?
JESUS
Right! I forgot. When the music takes you, man, you just … Anyway. What really happened was …
WAVY LINES to signify going into a memory. They settle upon the Last Supper. JESUS, PETER,
ANDREW and PHILIP and sitting around, happily chatting. SIMON enters.
JESUS
Simon! How’s it going buddy. Let me pour you a drink.
JESUS pours him some wine in a goblet.
SIMON
(painfully sincere)
Is this wine?
JESUS chuckles a bit.
JESUS
No, Simon, it’s my blood! OOOoooo! (that’s meant to be a “spooky” noise)
SIMON drinks it down, fast.
SIMON
I feel transformed. Thank you for this blessing, oh Lord.
Everyone looks freaked out.
SIMON
This bread must be made from your body, right?
He proceeds to noisily consume quite a lot of bread.
JESUS
Um, Simon …
SIMON
Is this cheese made of your boogers?
JESUS
OK, Simon, you’re starting to freak me out. (after a beat, suddenly cheery) Hey, I think we need some beatboxing!
He immediately launches into some beatboxing. Everyone dances happily.
WAVY LINES back to the CHIEF’s office. JESUS has his eyes closed again, beatboxing happily.
CHIEF
Jesus! C’mon, enough with the beatboxing already.
JESUS
Sorry, chief. But you see my problem – this whole thing was all a misunderstanding.
CHIEF
Why didn’t you straighten it out?
JESUS
Well, I got crucified the next day, so I was a bit busy. And I just didn’t think it would become such a big deal.
CHIEF
Well, it is. And you better fix it darn soon. That’s it -- I’m getting you a personal stylist.
JESUS
What?
CHIEF
First step in a crisis. Get a personal stylist to give you a new look. It restarts your image and it also just feels so right. You feel as beautiful outside as you are inside. (pause) There’s nothing wrong with that.
JESUS
Sure, I ...
We hear a tinny, computerized cell phone ring of “Gloria in excelsis deo.”
JESUS
Oop, I gotta take that. It’s my dad.
CHIEF looks a little wide-eyed. JESUS pulls a cell phone out of his robes and listens to it. It would be cool if it were an old ‘80s-style brick phone.
JESUS
Hey, what’s shakin’, home slice? I …
(listening to a rant)
Sorry, that’s slang nowadays, dad …
(listening again)
So you saw that, huh …
(listening again)
Yeah, I know, and I’m sorry mom’s upset, but …
(listening again)
OK. Yeah, I understand. Yeah.
JESUS closes the phone and puts it away.
JESUS
He wants me to go on Larry King and apologize.
CHIEF
Larry King? Didn’t he retire? Or die, or something?
JESUS
Both, several times. Believe me, he owes my dad lots of favors.
INT. THE LARRY KING SHOW
LARRY KING sits opposite Jesus.
JESUS
And I just want the world to know, that at the center of my message is love and tolerance of different views. I’d like us all to keep the focus on that, rather than …
LARRY KING
So, Jesus, right? Who are you really, deep down?
JESUS
Well, uh, I’m the son of God, in one religion, and uh …
LARRY KING
And you’re a big hit nowadays?
JESUS
Well, yes, I have been rather popular for about 2000 years, not to brag …
LARRY KING
Were you upset when you got cancelled?
JESUS
Uh, I wasn’t cancelled actually …
LARRY KING
What do you think of the Sacramento Kings? I think they’re great.
JESUS
I’m not … uh …
LARRY KING
When was the last time you ate peanuts?
JESUS
I’m confused.
LARRY KING
Let’s take a caller. Mo from Indianapolis, you’re on the air!
MO
(Over the phone)
Yeah, who does Jesus think he is?
LARRY KING
Well, Jebus, who do you think you are?
JESUS
Well, again, I try to be the embodiment of love and tolerance …
LARRY KING
Jean from Minneapolis, you’re on the air!
JEAN
(over the phone)
I’d like to know what Jesus thinks of Twilight – is it Satanic or just boring?
LARRY KING
Well, Beezus, Twilight – Satanic or boring?
JESUS
I’m not sure what any of this means.
LARRY KING
We’ll be back with more with Young Jeezy, after this.
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE
JESUS slunks into his house and collapses on the couch. Jesus exhales loudly, exhausted. Then he does a pbbbbt noise of exhaustion. This slowly builds into some beatboxing, which immediately perks him up.
There is suddenly a loud crash and two people walk in. One is POPE BENEDICT, complete with giant hat. The other is a very WASP-y looking old guy – sweater slung over the shoulders of a light blue button-down shirt, longish gray hair combed straight backwards, highball glass in hand.
JESUS jumps up.
JESUS
Oh hey, pope.
POPE BENEDICT
(silly, loud German accent)
Hallo!
JESUS
Hey Protestant Pope.
PROTESTANT POPE
Cheers, old boy.
PROTESTANT POPE takes a slug of his drink.
POPE BENEDICT
Ve haf a beef to pick wif you!
JESUS
Let me guess – it’s about Holy Communion.
POPE BENEDICT
Correkt!
PROTESTANT POPE
Listen old boy, you’ve threatened one of our most sacred and cherished arguments.
JESUS
Huh?
POPE BENEDICT
Ze wine ist the blood of Christ!
PROTESTANT POPE
No, old bean, it’s a symbol.
POPE BENEDICT
No it’s isn’t!
PROTESTANT POPE
Yes it is!
POPE BENEDICT
No it isn’t!
PROTESTANT POPE
Yes it is!
POPE BENEDICT
No it isn’t!!!
PROTESTANT POPE
Yes it is!!!!
They both stare at each other very close and growl like dogs.
POPE BENEDICT
See vat ve mean? It’s a classic!
PROTESTANT POPE
I came up with the “symbol” bit.
POPE BENEDICT
Ach, remember how awful ze argument vas before that?
PROTESTANT POPE
Terrible!
Wavy lines back to the past. There a bunch of knights sit on opposite sides of a long dinner table.
KNIGHT #1
(looking at his goblet)
Mmmm … the blood of Jesus sure tastes great!
KNIGHT #2
(on other side)
I think it’s less filling.
All the KNIGHTS on KNIGHT #1’s side immediately spring into rage.
KNIGHTS WITH KNIGHT #1
Tastes great!
KNIGHTS WITH KNIGHT #2
Less filling!
All the KNIGHTS immediately run at each other with swords and hack each other apart.
Wavy lines back to the present. POPE BENEDICT and PROTESTANT POPE have their arms around each other, laughing.
PROTESTANT POPE
(tailing off, but without breaking his smile)
Ha ha ha … millions died.
POPE BENEDICT
(snapping back to German rage)
Anyway! Is back to the point! Now you picked a side! You are Protestant now!
JESUS
No no, guys, honestly, I don’t want to start a big conflict here.
PROTESTANT POPE
Too late, old boy. Portugal already invaded Belgium.
JESUS
Oh man, I don’t know how this all got so out of hand … what can I do?
POPE BENEDICT
Say it’s your blood!
PROTESTANT POPE
Say it’s not!
BOTH POPES SIMULTANETOUSLY
(they literally say this)
Rar rar rar! Rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb!
The keep saying rhubarb as Jesus sighs hard.
JESUS then rips his own arm off. He somehow snaps it in two over his knee out of camera range. He then tosses one half of the arm to POPE BENEDICT and the other half to PROTESTANT POPE.
The POPES look at each other, stunned. They look at JESUS.
JESUS
(arm socket bleeding)
Sigh … go ahead.
Both POPES tentatively nibble at their arm segment.
POPE BENEDICT
Delicious …
PROTESTANT POPE
Oooo, it’s so spicy …
JESUS
Let it be said unto the people. They are my children, and would gladly die for their sins. And while I’m not going to die for their pointless squabbles, I will rip off my own arm to get them to shut up about them.
The POPES are still stunned.
POPE BENEDICT
You are wise and judicious, oh Lord.
PROTESTANT POPE
Thank you, Lord. Your lessons here will not be forgotten.
JESUS
Yeah. Great. Now get out of here.
The POPES shuffle out, in awe.
JESUS sighs again. He kneels into a praying position and holds his only arm up.
JESUS
Are you there God? It’s me, Jesus. I think I have atoned for my oopsie-poo. Can I have a new arm? The pain is kinda excruciating.
BZINK! God appears in a puff of smoke. He is old Jewish man.
JESUS
Dad!
GOD
Oi, my son. Can you get in more trouble all the time?
JESUS
I’m sorry, dad. I may have let me personal glory over my amazing beatboxing skills cloud my judgment and forget that these ceremonies are very important to them.
GOD
A good kid.
(He pinches Jesus’ cheek.)
Ach, I love ya, ya yutz.
JESUS
So I get my arm back?
GOD
You don’t like?
JESUS notices that his arm is back.
JESUS
Thanks, dad!
They hug.
JESUS
Can I come back to heaven now? I think I’m done here.
GOD
You think so, eh?
JESUS
I’m not done?
GOD
They will be happy with one arm, you think? There will be peace forever now among these schlemiels?
JESUS sighs.
JESUS
You’re right. There’s more to do.
GOD
That’s my boy. Shabba-dabba-doo!
With that, GOD disappears again in a puff of smoke.
JESUS
(with new determination)
Time for a tour!
He pops on a “Jesus Tour 2013” baseball cap.
INT. CHURCH
JESUS stands at the pulpit. POPE BENEDICT and PROTESTANT POPE are at either sides of him. He is still wearing his “Jesus Tour 2013” hat.
JESUS
… and again, it warms my heart to see Protestants and Catholics all together, in one house of worship again, all praising God for his beneficent glory. And in conclusion, I’d like to circle back to my main message here: Charity. Love your neighbor. Turn the other cheek. A thousand points of light. Do unto others as you would have them do unto …
PROTESTANT POPE
(aside, to JESUS)
You’re losing them ….
JESUS sighs. Rolling his eyes, he rips his arm off again and throws it onto a plate that POPE BENEDICT is carrying.
We see a pile of chunks being passed down the aisle among some churchgoers. It gets to the end.
PARISHONER
(Picking up a finger)
Aw man, I always get the finger! (noticing a ring on it) Hey, a prize!
Cut back to JESUS
JESUS
(pointing to the crowd)
Hey, I’m going to need that!
THE END
EPISODE IV
Jesus Christ, Cop
Opening titles:
On December 21, 2012, Jesus Christ returned to Earth, as promised in Scripture.
He immediately solved a number of problems.
He resolved all the problems in the Middle East.
He fixed global warming through the use of electric cars, wind farms, a carbon tax … it was really complicated.
He raised millions for the church by selling his "Shards of the True Cross Whittling Kits."
A new age of peace and prosperity dawned.
But crime never sleeps. So he did what any good citizen would do … he became …
JESUS CHRIST. COP.
EXT. CITY STREET
The camera slowly moves forward to reveal a dead white guy splayed on the street. We could use some CSI-type atmospheric music if possible.
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY (VO)
Our vic is 35 years old, no ID, no witnesses.
Cut to shot of UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
Here’s the weird thing – he had twenty poker chips in his pocket.
Cut to JESUS, looking upon the scene soberly.
JESUS
Well, you know what they say, Ronald …
JESUS puts on sunglasses a la David Caruso.
JESUS
Always bet on black.
JESUS ducks out of frame.
Then we get the opening titles of CSI – maybe the real ones if possible. Only stay for the scream and maybe a few chords. Sudden cut back to a wide shot of the scene. It is a TV studio.
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
Uh, Jesus, that didn’t any sense. The guy’s not even black.
JESUS
He’s not? I’m sorry, I can’t tell – see, I don’t see color. People tell me I’m white and I believe them because I watch “The Colbert Report.”
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
It’s OK, man, let’s just move to the next scene …
JESUS
No no, I want to get this right. You know, for the kids. Can we take that again?
DP OR WHATEVER (VO)
All right, Scene 1, Take 43, and … action!
Same thing, with a slow pan to the dead guy.
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY (VO)
Our vic is 35 years old, no ID, no witnesses.
Cut to shot of UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
Here’s the weird thing – he had twenty poker chips in his pocket.
Cut to JESUS, looking upon the scene soberly.
JESUS
Well, you know what they say, Ronald …
JESUS puts on sunglasses a la David Caruso.
JESUS
Always bet on white.
Then we get the opening titles of CSI. Only stay for half the scream this time
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
That’s not even a phrase!
JESUS
Oh, man, I’m sorry! I figured it might be. I’m sorry, let’s try it again.
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
Honestly, can we just get a writer here? Somebody has to be OK with putting words in Jesus’ mouth. C’mon, does no one here have any balls at all? Honestly!
DP OR WHATEVER (VO)
One more take, c’mon.
Same thing again, with a slow pan to the dead guy.
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY (VO)
(very loud and annoyed)
Look, dead guy!
Cut to JESUS, looking upon the scene soberly.
JESUS
Well, you know what they say, Ronald …
JESUS puts on sunglasses a la David Caruso.
JESUS
I got a fever for the flavor … (dramatic pause) of Pringles.
Cut straight to studio.
UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY
I’ll be in my trailer!
He leaves in a huff. MARTIN SCORSESE comes up and puts his arm around JESUS.
JESUS
I’m sorry, Marty, I might not be a natural at this.
MARTIN
Forget it, Jesus, we’ll fix it in post. Luckily, for your next scene you don’t have to say a thing.
JESUS
I’m usually pretty good with words …
MARTIN
Let’s just film your next scene now. OK, so you’ll be dead, bullet through the head, in bed with a dead hooker. Got it?
JESUS
(immediately blushing)
Oh my! I uh … oh geez … uh …
(drifting into a Minnesota accent)
I, uh … oh geez, I just … um … uff-da, I uh, oh fer the love of … goodness sake’s …
MARTIN
Jesus, you seem to be becoming Minnesotan. Everything OK?
JESUS
I just, uh …
MARTIN
What’s the problem, the death part?
JESUS
Oh Lord no! I love being shown while dead or dying, usually in horribly gory fashion. I just uh … it’s the other part …
MARTIN
You don’t like beds?
JESUS
The other other part, Marty …
MARTIN
Oh, the hooker! Well, that’s pretty integral to the plot, Jeezie …
JESUS
Couldn’t I just be shown been nailed to a tree, my sinew slowly ripping into tatters? I mean, geez, Marty, there might be children watching!
MARTIN
Look, Jesus, we want to work with you here. We already changed the ending so that everyone sings a cheerful song together instead of having an orgy. You’re going to have to bend on this one.
JESUS
Bend? Oh my … you don’t mean …
MARTIN
No, of course not, Jesus. Man, get your mind out of the gutter!
JESUS
Hey! Don’t you even mention the gutter in my presence! Do you know who my father is?
(snapping back)
I’m sorry. These human emotions, they take some getting used to.
MARTIN
Look, this is getting us nowhere. Let’s both take a breath, come back Monday, and discuss it further.
OK?
JESUS
Fair enough, thank you, Marty.
INT. SOME PLACE WITH A POKER TABLE
JESUS sits at a poker table with PETER, PAUL, and PHILIP.
JESUS
So yeah, I have to go back in to the studio Monday and figure out what to do.
PAUL
(overly sincere, per usual)
Jesus, I think you behaved most munificently and I will spread this wonderful parable far and wide.
PETER
Whatever! C’mon, Jesus, it’s Hollywood. If you want to do these cameos to get your message across, you gotta meet them halfway. They’re bending over backwards for you already.
JESUS
What? No they aren’t! They have never approached me in an inappropriate manner that … um …
PETER
That’s obviously not what I meant, Jesus.
PHILIP
Jesus, I uh … I don’t know how to ask this … um … are you a virgin?
JESUS
Hey! I’m famous you know! Lot of groupies! There are church groups, and …
PETER
What? You’ve had sex with whole church groups?
JESUS
(blushing)
No, of course not! I would never … oh geez … I uh … (slipping into Minnesotan again) … I can’t even … uh … geez, fer the love a …
PETER
Jesus, have you ever got to second base, even?
JESUS
Yes, softball! Let’s discuss that instead. I enjoy playing softball. But I’m not that good, heh, (trying to make a joke) I always sacrifice when no one’s on base …
PAUL
Softball is the game of the true Christ!
PHILIP
He means, have you ever felt a woman’s breast?
JESUS
Oh, I see, so I still have to keep talking about … uh … sure I have! It’s sort of like … a bag of sand.
PETER and PHILIP
What? Oh man! (etc.)
PAUL
How dare you two impugn our Lord and Savior! He has spoken, and his speech is the Word, and the Word is the Christ, and Christ is him, so shut up already!
PHILIP
It’s OK, Jesus, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’ve been very busy.
PETER
(under his breath)
For 2000 years …
PAUL
What? Infidel!
(pulling out a gun and pointing it at PETER)
Jesus, say the word, which is you, so you already said it, so …
JESUS
Hey hey hey! Everyone calm down! Paul, I thought I told you to get rid of that thing.
PAUL
(putting it away)
It’s my fundamental right as an American to threaten people with guns.
JESUS
Well, I don’t care, I don’t like them. They should all be banned.
There is an awkward silence.
JESUS
OK, if anyone repeats that, or indeed anything we’ve talked about today, I’ll be in really big trouble. Mumsies?
They all agree.
INT. CHIEF’S OFFICE
The CHIEF sits behind his desk, facing JESUS.
CHIEF
Well, Jesus, I understand that you’re a virgin.
JESUS
Oh geez!
JESUS falls onto the floor.
CHIEF
You OK there?
JESUS
(from the floor, we don’t see him)
I’m just going to live down here from now on, chief. Hey, do me a favor and forward my mail for me? Theenx! (that’s mean to be a Minnesotan “thanks”)
CHIEF
Jesus, get off the floor!
JESUS
(he does)
Oh jeez!
CHIEF
Don’t start with the Minnesotan crap. Jesus, look. We live in an age of greater sexual permissiveness.
JESUS plugs his ears. We switch to his POV as he closes his eyes.
JESUS
(singing quickly and badly)
La la la … Hallelujah hallelujah and He shall reign forever and ever hallelujah hallelujah King of Kings forever and ever …
CHIEF
OK, I understand that in your days, sex outside of marriage could cause wars, diseases, etc.
JESUS immediately closes his eyes and plugs his ears again.
JESUS
Oh God our help in ages past our hope for years to come our shelter from the stormy blast and our eternal home …
Jesus opens one eye.
CHIEF
Hey! Do you want to connect your message of love and understanding to modern sensibilities or not?
JESUS(sheepishly, like a kid told he has to behave)
Yeees.
CHIEF
OK, look, the primary sexual position these days is …
JESUS slams his eyes shut again.
JESUS
(quietly, under his breath)
Oh what if God was one of us just a slob like one of us …
CHIEFJesus! Did you get any of what I said?
JESUS
I think so … I didn’t quite understand the seventeenth word. And then I was thinking about that, so I didn’t catch the rest.
CHIEF
That’s it.
(hitting an intercom)
Mary Magdalene, get in here!
JESUS
Oh, chief, no …
MARY pops in.
MARY
Yes chief?
JESUS immediately hits the floor.
CHIEF
Jesus here …
JESUS
I’m asleep now, so please come back after the beep – beep!
CHIEF
(ignoring him)
Jesus needs to be told about S-E-X.
MARY
I got it, chief.
CHIEF leaves. MARY sits down in his chair. She waits for a moment.
MARY
Jesus, I can wait as long as you can.
JESUS
(popping up suddenly)
Hey Mary! How are you? So nice of you to drop by my new home!
MARY
Hey! Jesus! Enough of that crap! You’re going to face this like a man!
JESUS
(cowed)
Yes, ma’am.
MARY
Now! As you probably know, before I joined the force, I was a call girl.
JESUS
Really! I didn’t know you were in telemarketing!
MARY
No, a call girl is a high-class prostitute.
JESUS
Oh! I …
MARY
So yes, I had sex for money. And it was horrible. And you know why?
JESUS
Oh, that’s …
MARY
Because of the hard-core Christians.
JESUS
(stunned out of embarrassment)
What?
MARY
You heard me. The Charlie Church types were the worst. They lived clean-as-a-bean lives on the outside. But deep inside, they had the same urges as anyone else. And they bottled them up. Then they’d came raging out, in ugly ways. They’d treat me like garbage.
JESUS
(genuinely shocked)
That’s terrible.
MARY
You better believe it. Now I know you, and I know you would never act that way. But you are in human form now, yes?
JESUS
Yes.
MARY
That means you feel sexual urges. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. It also doesn’t mean you should like a lunatic -- it’s just like anything else. You handle it responsibly, and treat people respectfully, and you’ll be fine. Right?
JESUS
I think I see.
MARY
Good.
JESUS
(sincerely)
Thank you, Mary.
MARY
You’re welcome, Jesus.
She gets up and as she walks out, stops to put her hand on his shoulder in comforting way. He blushes and looks away.
JESUS
And you, uh … look very, uh … nice. Today. I think. Is that OK?
MARY
(smiling)
That’s just fine. But let’s take it one step a time, OK?
JESUS
(trying to backtrack)
Oh, no, I didn’t mean that, uh ...
She leaves. Overhead shot of JESUS thinking.
INT. FILM STUDIO
DP OR WHATEVER
And … action!
The UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY is seen dead in bed, with a bullet in his head, next to DEAD WOMAN (maybe MARY?).
CHIEF (VO)
Our vics are a 25-year-old male and a 30-year-old woman. He was a regular Charlie Church who suppressed his sexual energy until it came raging out and victimized this poor attractive woman who had endless potential to enrich the world with her wisdom and unique life experiences.
Cut to JESUS.
JESUS
Well, you know what they say, Chief …
(puts on his sunglasses)
Always bet on Jesus.
A gospel choir suddenly jumps into frame, singing “Jesus! Jesus!”
JESUS, CHIEF, and DEAD WOMAN dance happily along to the cheerful song. UNECESSARILY ATTRACTIVE GUY pouts in bed.
EPISODE V
Jesus Christ, Cop
Opening titles:
On December 21, 2012, Jesus Christ returned to Earth, as promised in Scripture.
He immediately solved a number of problems.
He resolved all the problems in the Middle East.
He fixed global warming through the use of electric cars, wind farms, a carbon tax … it was really complicated.
For the hard-working person on the go, he released the Lazarus Energy Drink!
A new age of peace and prosperity dawned.
But crime never sleeps. So he did what any good citizen would do … he became …
JESUS CHRIST. COP.
EXT. MASSIVE STADIUM
There is a huge sign on the stadium that says “Wal-Church.” On the side is one of those signs typical of churches in which they slide in letters. It says “This Sunday: Christian Rock Band Death Killers!” And below it it says “and Jesus Christ” in much smaller letters.
INT. WAL-CHURCH
On a large stage, Death Killers is playing an extremely heavy metal version of “Jesus Loves Me.” They are all dressed like Motley Crue. The lead singer screams and roars. After a few bars, fire erupts from the side of the stage and blood pours out of the lead singer’s mouth.
The unseen audience roars their approval. PREACHER JIM, a tall, tan, handsome young man, bounds onto the stage.
PREACHER JIM
All right! Woo! That absolutely rocked! Thank you, Death Killers! And now … (he starts talking like Vince McMahon) … it’s time for man of the hour … The Holiest of Holies, the King of Kings, a man among men, a man among boys, the King of Queens, the Princess of Fairyland, the Duke of Ellington, the Mookie of Wilson, the hip-hoppin’est, chart-toppin’est, bip-bop-a roppinest man in the whole father lovin’ worrrrrrrrllllld …. JESUUUUUUUS CHRIIIIIIst!
The crowd goes crazy. JESUS walks on to the stage, stunned and beaming. He goes behind a podium.
JESUS
Wow! Thank you! This is the most energetic service I’ve ever seen! Wow! And I want to keep the momentum going by talking with you all about a very important issue: seat belt safety. If everyone used a seat belt every time they drove, there would be 23% fewer fatal crashes in this state. No wait, I’m sorry, I got that wrong. It was 24%. And …
We fade into the same scene, later. JESUS has reading glasses on and has a pointer pointing to a chart.
JESUS
And according to the 1998 data from the National Highway Safety Administration, you can see there was a slight incline, here, from 35 to 43. There’s a funny story there, actually. The 1998 data left out two fatalities because they were misclassified as traumatic brain injuries. Which they were, of course, but deaths occurred within two days after the crashes and thus must of course by law be classified as traffic fatalities! So actually there are two more than is shown on this graph … wait, hold on while I remake this graph …
People start to boo.
JESUS
I know, you’re asking “who?” Who would make such a mistake? Well, it is against the law to tell you because it is interesting. But boring things are fair game, so ....
PEOPLE
(in unison)
No, we’re saying boo!
JESUS
Boo? What does that mean? If that’s a reference to the Holy Ghost, you should know he hates that …
PEOPLE
(in unison)
No, boo means we’re dissatisfied with your performance!
JESUS
Oh, I’m sorry, I’ve never heard that before. Oh.
(hurt)
OK, well, I guess I should leave then.
He puts his head down and shuffles off stage.
INT. BACKSTAGE
JESUS goes up to PETER.
JESUS
Wow, that felt awful, Peter. I’ve never been booed before.
PETER
I told you, you should have gone with helmet safety. It’s really hot with the kids.
JESUS
I don’t know, maybe I need to be a little more fire ‘n’ brimstone. Look at Preacher Jim over there.
They turn to see PREACHER JIM smashing bottles on his head.
PREACHER JIM
And this bottle is the Devil! (he smashes another) And this bottle is also the Devil!
They turn back to each other.
PETER
It’s a different age, G. You’re competing with all the modern entertainment, the Pac-man and the fax machines and the spreadsheets and suchlike.
JESUS
Yeah, I gotta jazz it up. Hey, that’s it! Jazz! I could scat my sermons! Be bop a loo lop God is love, buv ruv, uh … symbolized by a dove … in some interpretations …
PREACHER JIM approaches.
PETER
Hey, Preacher Jim, how is it going?
PREACHER JIM
(smiling, calmly shaking their hands)
Bargle zarf ragoo la forpa loo loo, loo.
JESUS
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?
PETER (aside, to JESUS)
He’s speaking in tongues.
JESUS
(trying to be polite)
Oh, yes of course! Aramaic right?
PEACHER JIM
Zarble wingle wop wop woo zam boo.
JESUS
I know, uh … that’s what she said!
PREACHER JIM
(raising his hand good-bye)
Ploosie poo!
JESUS
Yes, uh, right back at ya.
PREACHER JIM leaves.
PETER
Well, that was a pointless scene.
INT. POLICE PRECINCT
JESUS sits at his desk. MARY sits in her desk, opposite his.
MARY
Well, it’s 6:00, Jesus. There hasn’t been a single major crime all day, in the entire country. Thanks as usual for solving all of the world’s major problems, but it sure makes being a cop seem less important.
JESUS
(Looking at some papers)
What do you mean? Look at all these people who still fail to signal their turns properly! People could get hurt, or at least very annoyed!
MARY
C’mon Jesus, I think they can wait until tomorrow. Say … um … want to go catch some dinner?
JESUS
You mean, like, a date?
JESUS turns red and glances away.
MARY
(smiling)
Yeah, that was the idea.
JESUS
(blushing)
Um … uh … oh geez …
MARY
In Jesus-speak, that means yes. Let’s go.
JESUS
I would love to, I mean it … oh man … I can’t tonight.
MARY
Why not?
JESUS
I promised the boys I would stop by …
MARY
Who are the boys?
JESUS
The boys in Holding Tank C.
MARY
The most violent criminals in the state are “the boys”?
JESUS
Yeah, they really need my help. Some of them have some pretty serious problems!
MARY shrugs, a little hurt.
MARY
Your loss!
JESUS
(after her)
But I really do want to …
She’s gone. JESUS sighs.
INT. PRISON ROOM
It is full of extremely dangerous-looking people. JESUS walks in.
JESUS
Hey everybody!
Everyone says “JESUS!” much as they would say “Norm!”
FACE-EATER MIKE
How’s tricks, Jesus?
JESUS
It’s a dog-eat-dog world, Face-eater Mike, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
Everyone laughs uproariously.
FACE-EATER MIKE
Ha ha ha … dogs taste good.
JESUS
So Face-Eater, do you remember what we talked about last time?
FACE-EATER MIKE
Yes, Jesus.
JESUS
Do you have something to say to Phil the Impaler?
PHIL THE IMPALER sits opposite, with an eyepatch, looking at FACE-EATER MIKE angrily.
FACE-EATER MIKE pulls out a piece of paper.
FACE-EATER MIKE
(reading, stiltedly)
Dear Phil. I am sorry I tried to eat your face while you were asleep. I will not do it again. From this day forward, I will be a caring nurturer to your feelings instead of trying to remove your skin. I … I love you, Phil.
PHIL THE IMPALER
(sniffling)
I … I love you too, Mike!
They hug and cry, sobbing out “I’m sorry” and I love yous.
JESUS
Well, I’m very pleased with both of you! Stickers all around.
JESUS pulls out some stickers and sticks them on PHIL and MIKE’s bald foreheads, as they look up at them with big dumb grins.
JESUS
Now, who else has a problem they’d like to bring to the group? How about you?
JESUS points to a huddled figure in the corner. The figure turns and turns out to be PREACHER JIM.
JESUS
Preacher Jim? What are you doing here?
PREACHER JIM
I was framed! Framed, I tell you!
FACE-EATER MIKE
(aside, to JESUS)
He just got caught with a dead girl AND a live boy. It was all over the news.
PREACHER JIM
It’s all the media’s fault!
FACE-EATER MIKE
He also shot a messenger.
PREACHER JIM
It’s the liberal media, I’m telling you! They’re out to get me because I love God! They are all Satanists! And Islamic militants! Mostly both!
JESUS
Jim, I can’t help you unless you admit to what you did.
PREACHER JIM
I did nothing! That dead girl wasn’t even real! It was a very sophisticated cake! The blood was raspberry preserves!
JESUS
Oh dear.
INT. POLICE STATION
MARY and JESUS stand outside the interrogation room.
MARY
OK Jesus, you know the drill. You’re the good cop, and I’m the bad cop.
JESUS
Could I try being the bad cop this time?
MARY
I don’t know, Jesus, badness is not really your strength.
JESUS
C’mon! (trying to summon up rage) This guy really burns my … bacon. (turning nice) Is that lewd?
MARY
Right, I’ll be the bad cop then.
JESUS
No! I’m the bad cop, and I’m Jesus, so do what I say!
MARY
(kind of pleased)
Jesus! Well! I’ve never seen this side of you!
JESUS
I’m sorry, that was not very loving.
MARY
No, run with it! Get in there!
MARY pushes him into the interrogation room.
INT. INTERROGATION ROOM
PREACHER JIM sits at a table, with a Dixie cup in front of him.
JESUS
(with a head full of steam)
All right, Jim … I … (suddenly turning nice) can I call you Jim?
MARY
Jesus …
JESUS
Right! I don’t care what you want me to call you! I am full of rage! Hey! So why don’t you tell me what you did?
PREACHER JIM
I didn’t do anything.
JESUS
Oh, I’m sorry. Well, I hope we haven’t bothered you … (turning back) Right! I mean, wrong! You did do something! You can either talk, or …
PREACHER JIM
Or what?
JESUS
Or … um … or … I will smack that cup of water on the floor in dramatic fashion!
PREACHER JIM
Ooh, I’m scared!
JESUS
You should be! Here I go!
Jesus gently taps the cup. It slowly tips onto its side, but does not fall off the table.
JESUS
Ok, let me try that again.
MARY
(leaping in)
Look, jackass, we have all the evidence we need. Your best choice right now is to make a deal that allows you to save some face with your dittoheads.
PREACHER JIM
Forget it!
MARY
OK, then, we use what your live boy said under oath.
PREACHER JIM
Oh … um ….
MARY
That’s right. You know what I’m talking about. You know that, in time, you’ll be forgiven for killing a girl by using her head as a crack pipe. But telling a boy about how much you like musicals …
PREACHER JIM
I’m not gay! NO NO NO NO!!!!
(turning to Jesus)
Get her out of here!
MARY
Jesus, be sure to get it all.
She leaves.
EXT. OUTSIDE POLICE STATION
MARY stands against the building, smoking a cigarette. JESUS comes out.
JESUS
Wow, Mary. He spilled it all. We should be able to bring down a pretty big underage prostitution ring now.
MARY
It’s a living.
JESUS
Where did you get the part about musicals? I don’t remember that in the report.
MARY
I made it up. I figured there was a good chance.
JESUS
(shocked)
Mary! You lied?
MARY
Yes, Jesus, I lied. Sometimes, to do good things, you have to break the rules a little.
JESUS
Hey, you don’t have to tell me! I’m the king of breaking rules! Sometimes when people on TV say to stay tuned, I don’t!
MARY
You know, Jesus, you may have the purest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. But you have a lot to learn about people.
JESUS
Yeah, I know. That’s why I’m still here. I know that sometimes I seem awkward, or silly. But the more I learn, the better I can help.
MARY
That’s very sweet.
She kisses him on the cheek. He immediately turns red.
JESUS
Do you, uh …. want to catch the food?
MARY smiles.
MARY
I actually have plans tonight.
JESUS
(bashful backtracking)
Oh, of course, I didn’t mean anything …
MARY
Have a good night, Jesus.
JESUS
You too, Mary.
MARY leaves. JESUS looks down sadly.
EXT. ENCLOSED LAWN
It looks exactly like the lawn in “Home Improvement.” JESUS stands in it, raking leaves absent-mindedly. He looks up and notices a fisherman’s hat balanced on top of the fence opposite the house, as if that neighbor guy is there. You can’t see any eyes though (unless we can do that).
JESUS
Oh, hey Honorable Prophet Muhammad! I didn’t see you there.
There is no response.
JESUS
It’s tough, Muhammad. I mean, I’m helping lots of people. But some parts of human life are really tough to get used to.
There is no response.
JESUS
I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to say that if it were easy, we wouldn’t need to be all-powerful deities. I know, but I just wasn’t prepared for some of these feelings!
There is no response.
JESUS
And don’t even start on the whole “emotions must be overcome through prayer and meditation” bit! You stole that one from Buddha anyway!
There is no response.
JESUS
Yeah, you’re right though. But love … can that really be such a bad thing? I mean I love God, and he’s awesome and everything … and I of course love everyone … but can it truly be that bad to love one person a little more, in a different way?
There is no response.
JESUS
(as if he just heard a joke)
Ha ha ha! Even though you didn’t say anything, I understand what joke you would have told if you had. And it’s so true, so true. Well, thanks again, Honorable Prophet Muhammad. Good night.
Focus on the hat. It still does not move.
THE END
EPISODE VI
Jesus Christ, Cop
Opening titles:
On December 21, 2012, Jesus Christ returned to Earth, as promised in Scripture.
He immediately solved a number of problems.
He resolved all the problems in the Middle East.
He fixed global warming through the use of electric cars, wind farms, a carbon tax … it was really complicated.
A new age of peace and prosperity dawned.
But crime never sleeps. So he did what any good citizen would do … he became …
JESUS CHRIST. COP.
EXT. CITY SCENE
We hear the “Law and Order” chime. Subtitle: “Bar District, 2:30 am.” MAN and WOMAN run out of a bar, laughing.
MAN
I can’t believe you haven’t tried beer pong before!
WOMAN
Ha ha, this is irrelevant and pointless jibber-jabber.
MAN
Yes, our only function is to see something horrible and then scream.
They pass by an alley.
WOMAN
So I sez to Gladys, I sez … (she sees something horrible and screams)
Pan into the alley. There is a PEEING MAN, his back the camera, with a peeing noise.
PEEING MAN
(looking over his shoulder, bleary, confused)
Huh?
Cut to MARY, on the scene of the crime, with cop cars and other cops. MARY is talking on the car walkie-talkie thing.
MARY
Yeah, boss, we got a 1037 here on Houston street. I’m on it. Excuse me, sir?
PEEING MAN
(still peeing, looking over his shoulder, bleary, confused)
Huh?
JESUS floats into the scene from above. He is using a helicopter formed by a cross coming up his back and rotating above his head. When he lands he sticks his arms out and the cross stops rotating and folds into his clothes.
JESUS
Hey, I got here as fast as I could.
MARY
You can fly?
JESUS
(brushing it off)
Oh, yeah. Let’s get him the car.
INT. POLICE CAR
PEEING MAN is in the back. We still hear him peeing.
MARY
What else can you do?
JESUS
Well, I can turn water into wine!
MARY
Yeah, I heard about that. What exactly was the moral of that story?
JESUS
Uhh … that I’m fun to be with? I don’t know, that one was kind of gratuitous, I admit. I wanted it left out of the final cut of the Bible, but it tested really well, so ...
MARY
Oh, man!
(she looks back at PEEING MAN)
He’s still peeing! It looks it’s about to overflow!
JESUS
I got it.
JESUS’ arm stretches like Mr. Fantastic all the way to a back door, which he opens. We hear the pee drain out.
MARY
(impressed)
You also have Mr. Fantastic arms?
JESUS
Oh, yeah. I have all the abilities that superheroes do.
MARY
(Kinda turned on)
Wow …
INT. POLICE STATION
JESUS and MARY walk in, chatting away, with the PEEING GUY, still bleary, confused and peeing.
MARY
Have you ever talked to fish like Aquaman?
JESUS
Yeah, it’s not as great as it sounds. Fish really don’t have a lot to say.
As they talk, they pass by two cops doing somersaults past them, in a race. Then they reach some other cops cheering on the somersaulters.
CAPTAIN
(popping his head out of his office)
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
JESUS and MARY stop and look at him. Pan to the side to see JOSEPH, with a big paunch, sitting on a big overstuffed chair, holding a beer, looking annoyed at an unseen TV.
JESUS
Oh, hey stepdad. What are you doing here?
JOSEPH
Argh, grumble, get me a beer.
CAPTAIN
Get in here!
INT. CAPTAIN’S OFFICE
The CAPTAIN sits in his chair, with JESUS, MARY, JOSEPH, and PEEING GUY lined up on the other side. JOSEPH is still in his big chair with a beer, etc. PEEING GUY is still peeing.
CAPTAIN
Now I’m sure you two didn’t notice anything through your little love fog …
JESUS and MARY both turn red.
JESUS
No, captain, it’s not like that …
CAPTAIN
Shut up! While you two make googly eyes at each other, my men are spending their time in a somersault contest, this Joseph guy won’t leave, and why is that man peeing in my office?
PEEING GUY
Huh?
CAPTAIN
Can we get rid of the extraneous one-joke characters please?
JESUS
Sure, watch this! Bippity boppity boo!
There is a flash and smoke and JOSPEH and PEEING GUY have turned into bunnies. One is still peeing.
MARY
Aw, bunnies! I love bunnies!
JESUS
(looking down, shyly)
I know.
CAPTAIN
Hey! This is what I’m talking about! Look, this precinct is in serious trouble. We’re going to have to make some layoffs.
MARY
What?
JESUS
Huh?
CAPTAIN
So you heard that, huh? Jesus, you know I love you. I still don’t believe you’re the son of God, because I’m Jewish, but …
MARY
Seriously? How many miracles does he have to do? Jesus, do that one that I like.
JESUS’s face spins slowly vertically, like a clock face being rotated. It’s not scary, more silly, because he says …
JESUS
Woop woop woop woop woop! Woop Woop!
(at this point his face is upside-down.)
Wicka – wicka wicka!
(with that his face “scratches” back and forth like a record.)
MARY laughs uproariously.
MARY
Ha ha! Gets me every time!
CAPTAIN
Jesus, please. My point is that when I hired you, I didn’t think you … well, I didn’t expect you’d be this good.
JESUS
(dismayed)
What do you mean?
CAPTAIN
I thought it would be good P.R. … I certainly didn’t think you’d eradicate crime!
JESUS
What about the peeing rabbit?
CAPTAIN
Look, here’s the deal. We need to slim down our operations, so that the state can afford tax cuts for the rich. See, taxes make rich people feel sad, and there is no greater tragedy , no more urgent injustice in the history of humanity, than rich people feeling sad.
JESUS
That seems a bit glib …
CAPTAIN
And since you have proven you can do the job of 100 cops by yourself, all the other cops will be fired.
JESUS
No! Maybe I should quit instead!
CAPTAIN
(incredulously)
What?
MARY
(sincerely)
Jesus, you know you have to stay on.
JESUS
But Mary, being a cop has saved your life!
MARY
Of course it has. But ending crime is what it’s all really about. You know that.
JESUS
I need to think about this.
EXT. OUTSIDE POLICE STATION
JESUS
Sigh, it’s a dilemma. I stay and all the cops lose their jobs, but there’s no crime. I leave, and the cops stay on, but crime might come back. I wish there was a middle way.
BUDDHA
(walking in from stage right)
Did someone ask for a middle way?
He plays to an unseen crowd. There is cheering and applause that starts suddenly and stops suddenly, like it’s been cut off.
JESUS
Buddha! How’s it hanging, my man?
JESUS gives BUDDHA a high-five.
BUDDHA
In the middle, of course!
There is uproarious laughter from the unseen audience, which starts and stops suddenly.
JESUS
So I understand that you were told offstage about the dilemma … what do you think a good middle way would be?
BUDDHA
(adopting a harsh New York accent – each (bleep) is a real censor bleep)
Are you (bleep)ing kidding me? Stay on as a cop! You think a few (bleep)ing jobs are worth unleashing a (bleep)storm of (bleep)(bleep)ing all over this mother(bleep)er?
JESUS
(a little taken aback)
What about the middle way?
BUDDHA
(giving him the finger)
Here’s your middle way right here, buddy.
JESUS
But … well, I couldn’t leave … um …
BUDDHA
Aw, (bleep). Sounds like a (bleep)in’ (bleep) has your (bleep)in’ (bleep) in a (bleep)-y (bleep) (very long bleep) mango (very long bleep).
JESUS
OK, you’re going to have to translate that for me.
BUDDHA
I know when there’s a skirt in the picture.
JESUS
Of course not!
(He produces a wand)
Silencio!
BUDDHA is muzzled in a Harry Potter style. Really, I’m trying to wedge in a Harry Potter spell here to shut Buddha up. Whichever spell is most recognizable will probably suffice.
JESUS
(looking at each of his shoulders)
Sigh … that was a pointless scene. I’m still stuck. What do you guys think about this whole kerfuffle?
An ANGEL and a DEVIL show up in a puff of smoke on JESUS’ shoulders.
ANGEL
Well, it does seem like the greater good is served by staying on as a cop.
DEVIL
But, on the other hand, think of all the other things you could put your considerable skills towards.
ANGEL
That’s true, I hadn’t thought of that.
DEVIL
It’s a dilemma – how does one quantify the amount of good that one can do?
ANGEL
Especially when you’re trying to predict future good.
DEVIL
It gets to the relativity of any moral judgments – there are so many factors at play that any judgment is bound to be reductionist.
ANGEL
You make a lot of sense, my friend.
DEVIL
You’re not so bad lookin’ yourself.
The ANGEL and DEVIL start making out.
JESUS
(dismissing them in a puff of smoke)
Bah! I don’t even know what to do with that. Hmmm … what would Satan do?
(pause)
So I can do the opposite. Of course.
INT. LOBBY of a giant, opulent skyscraper. JESUS sits on a bench, reading a magazine called “EVIL ILLUSTRATED – FOR WALL STREET!”
SECRETARY
(off-screen, because who wants to bother making a character for such a small part)
Mr. Christ? Mr. Satan will see you now.
INT. HUGE OFFICE
SATAN sits behind a massive desk, giant windows all around him. He looks exactly like Gordon Gekko, except with red horns and a pitchfork.
SATAN
Jesus! How are you old buddy?
JESUS
(uncomfortable)
Uh, hey Satan.
JESUS come up to him at his desk and shakes his hand.
JESUS
(sitting opposite SATAN and looking around)
Wow, you’re doing pretty well for yourself.
SATAN
Are you kidding? This is the century to be alive, my friend. Do you realize that if I bankrupt this company, kill all of our clients, and sodomize all their corpses, I’ll actually get a huge tax break?
JESUS
(horrified)
That can’t be legal!
SATAN
What, are you kidding? That’s a central plank of the Republican Party. Wait, you’re a Republican, right?
JESUS
(being sly)
Oh, um, of course I am. Like I always said, “It is easy for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven, because he is obviously a great guy and deserved everything he got.”
SATAN
Ahh … so true. Hit me with another one.
JESUS
Umm … “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, beat the living crap out of them. In fact, do it before they strike you. Pre-emption saves lives.”
SATAN
One more.
JESUS
Uhh … “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
SATAN
(Indignant)
What?
JESUS
Uh … unless they’re illegal immigrants. Or Muslim. Or gay.
SATAN
Amen! So anyway, good job getting rid of all the penny-ante evil with all that police stuff. Now the only shop for evil is right here, my friend.
JESUS
Hasn’t anyone cried foul?
SATAN
Pshaw! Real Americans only get excited for murder and sex -- all that crap we gave up on a long time ago.
JESUS
Wha?
SATAN
Those are losers’ games, my friend! You can do way more damage as a head of a corporation. But here’s the beauty part: Corporate crimes are boring! People start to hear about them and they immediately feel an uncontrollable urge to switch over to the E! channel and find out what Katy Perry crapped this morning.
JESUS
What about politicians?
SATAN
Ha! There’s nothing easier than making up lies about politicians. Did you know Al Gore invented global warming because he likes to masturbate to videos of liberals being self-righteous?
JESUS
Really?
SATAN
Just made it up, but it’s true now. Man, I gotta tell Rush that one. But anyway, what was it that you wanted?
JESUS
(standing up)
Never mind. Sorry to bother you, Satan. I’ll see myself out.
JESUS leaves. SATAN furrows his brow, suspicious.
INT. POLICE STATION
JESUS stands before a bunch of police officers, all seated.
POLICE OFFICERS
(in unison, very loudly they literally say this)
Grumble, grumble!
JESUS
OK everyone, I understand you’re frustrated. Oh, Peter, you have a question?
PETER stands up.
PETER
Grumble, grumble!
Everyone else descends into another chorus of “grumble grumble grumble” as he sits back down.
JESUS
OK, yes, I think that’s been established – but I have a new plan that will keep you all employed.
POLICE OFFICERS
(in unison, curious, intrigued)
Grumble?
JESUS
I’m going to run for President.
PETER
So you’re quitting the force then?
JESUS
No, I’m going to do both – I’ll be a cop and a candidate. And I’m going to hire you all to be my campaign staff. Peter, you’ll be the rascally, Machiavellian southerner.
PETER
Darn tootin’!
JESUS
Chief, you’ll be the world-weary, jaded voice of experience.
CHIEF
Can I grumble?
JESUS
To your heart’s content. And Mary, you’ll be … um …
MARY
The Hillary?
JESUS
(blushing)
Yes.
MARY leaps up and gives him a kiss on the cheek. He blushes even harder.
Everyone cheers.
MARY
(quietly, to Jesus)
So … I happened to run into Buddha recently … he had a different theory for why you wanted to keep being a cop …
JESUS
(breaking away, embarrassed)
So! All right everyone! Let’s figure out how to appeal to the wisdom of the American voter! I’m talking about the average schmuck whose political opinions are formed by late-night TV!
Everyone cheers.
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