My Harassing Email to NPR

Yesterday, on my drive home, "All Things Considered" had two straight stories about clothes companies. This struck me as a bit unusual. So of course, I got home, went to the "contact us" form on the NPR Web site, and sent them a furious email. Below is what I sent, along with all the forms I had to fill out:

First Name: Ed

Last Name: Dykhuizen

Email Address: eddykhuizen@gmail.com

I Want To: Contact a Show

Show: All Things Considered

Subject: Clothes?!?!?!?!!!!111

Body (64,000 characters): Why was "All Things Considered" full of stories about clothes today?!?!? I hate clothes! Don't consider clothes any more. Consider clothes unconsiderable. In fact, consider clothes inconsiderate. Yeah, I said it.

I'll set the scene for you: Here I am, driving in my car, listening to NPR, doo dee doo dee doo, la la la, (right here you have to picture me making the "driving" motion of moving an imaginary steering wheel in a manner that would make me swerve wildly if I actually drove that way), la di da, happy as a clam, waving cheerfully at other drivers, other drivers giving me confused looks, those same drivers giving me furious looks as I nearly hit them with my wild swerving ... all in all, just a typical drive home for this particular America-loving, God-fearing, America-fearing, God-tolerating cubicle jockey.  But then, out of nowhere, I hear ...

"Blah blah blah some clothes company or something ... I think J.C. Penney is involved somehow ... blah blah blah."

Shock!!! I screeched suddenly to a stop and did an epic spit-take, all the more epic because I wasn't drinking anything! (It was actual spit. Maybe that's just called "spitting.") I was on the highway, so it caused a 300-car pileup and everyone in the world died. All because you talked about clothes.

Let's try to avoid these types of tragedies in the future. For your reference, here are things that I'm not interested in, so therefore you should never consider again:

• Clothes
• Country music
• Fashion (see "clothes")
• Windshield wipers
• Republicans
• Deer
• Ron Paul
• Deer clothes (see "clothes," "fashion," "deer")
• Ron Paul's opinion of the third season of "Felicity"
• Felicity Huffman's opinion of the third season of "Ru Paul's Drag Race"
• Ron Paul's reason that Ru Paul is unconstitutional
• Ru Paul's reason that Ron Paul is "fierce" (i.e., his ideas, if implemented, could destroy our fragile democracy much as a fierce lion would destroy a flashily dressed deer)
• Ron Paul's reason that Ron Paul is unconstitutional (something to do with commerce clause, probably)
• Clothes again, in case you forgot

I await your formal apology.

I Am Writing With: A Comment

My Comment Is: negative

Help us pronounce your name: Lakshmi Singh

Country: United States

City: Saint Paul

State: MN

Zip code: 55108

Your NPR station: KNOW