1. Popes have taken some silly names: Pope Hilarius reigned from 461-468 and Pope Lando reigned from 913-914. Pope Stinky McDinglewink is not considered a genuine pope, since I just made him up.
2. The William Henry Harrison of popes was Urban VII, who reigned for only 13 calendar days in 1590, dying before coronation. (Urban did, however, have time to devise a radio format comprised of slammin' hip-hop, silky R&B, and all the funky beats rockin' da streetz of Vatican City. His on-air catchphrase was "I love it when they call me 'Big Pope-a!'") The first Stephen didn't even last as long as Urban -- he died of a stroke three days after election, before even being consecrated, so he's not considered a genuine pope. Sadly, the same fate befell Pope Stinky McDinglewink, (in my mind, anyway), who died of colon failure after farting the Nicean Creed.
3. The Vatican has an unwritten rule to alternate between adorable, charming popes and terrifying ex-Hitler Youth members who look like the Emperor from "Star Wars." (Not actually true, but it sure seems that way. John Paul II and Francis were and are so cute you want to put them in your pocket. Benedict looks like he is always about to say "Now witness the firepower of the fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL battle station!")
4. Celibacy was not written into law for all priests until 1123, more than a millennium after the establishment of the papacy. It was a common practice long before, though. The Spanish Council of Elvira (insert your own joke here) required celibacy of clerics around 300 AD.
5. Many popes were really extremely not celibate at all, particularly in the Middle Ages. John XII became pope in 955, when he was only 18. He behaved much like any 18-year-old would when given an incredible amount of power: He turned the Vatican into a virtual brothel, openly sleeping with dozens of women, including his father's concubine and his own niece. He didn't last long, though -- at the time, kings and emperors were very powerful, and John managed to clumsily piss off all of them and get deposed.
6. Medieval popes were were not all horny bastards like John XII -- some were violent psychopaths. Stephen VI hated his predecessor, Formosus, so much that he had to put him on trial, and was not given pause by the fact that Formosus was dead. In 897 Stephen dug up Formosus's corpse and interrogated it for hours. (All true.) Formosus showed no remorse, and in fact refused to defend himself at all, instead defiantly remaining dead. Stephen then proclaimed Formosus guilty and ordered three of his fingers cut off. The body was then dragged through the streets and thrown in the Tiber River.
7. Boniface VIII was a fun one. He was sort of the Joe Biden of the 1300s, an effective administrator who often said things that made people smack their heads. On the subject of sexual morality, he said "Why, there is no more to going to bed with women and boys than in rubbing one hand against the other." On the subject of spiritual immortality, which I think most of us think is central to Catholicism, Boniface said "A man has as much hope of survival after death as that roast fowl on the dining table there." These kinds of statements would have gotten him burnt at the stake if he weren't pope.
8. The full list of titles for the pope is: Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the State of Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God, King of Queens, Duke of Flatbush, Godfather of Soul, Beat Box Champion of the World, and Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwickin the Barbarian Mother Funky Stay High Dollar Billstir. (All are true except the last 5, which are, in order, Kevin James, Duke Snider, James Brown, Rahzel, and the former Bushwick Bill.)
9. By the way, Francis might look adorable and be generally humble, but he is also very socially conservative. In Argentina, he fought hard against legalizing gay marriage, allowing gay people to adopt, and free birth control. So don't expect too much. Just wanted to throw some cold water on the celebrations.
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