My two-and-a-half year old daughter, Ellie, is the greatest person in the history of the world (in a tie with my wife, actually). Seriously, she makes your kids look like a bunch of chumps.
My main goal for life has always been to have a loving family. I've also wanted friends, and that worked out too. Occasionally I would half-heartedly pursue a specific career, but that never went well. So now I've settled for a job that I don't completely despise, doesn't make me work during weekends or evenings, and pays enough to support my family. My job sometimes gets me down, but not as often as you might think. I always knew that true fulfillment, for me at least, would be to have a wife and kids. And I turned out to be right. Ellie and my wife are a lifelong dream come true.
That said, my kid really needs to work on her language skills. Too often, she splits infinitives and ends sentences with prepositions. And let's not even get into her Latin -- how do you constantly mix up the accusative case with the ablative? It's very simple: The accusative is used for the direct object of a transitive verb! We say this phrase over and over and she just laughs. Just use the very simple mnemonic device: Terry Adams Initiates Unusual Fur Transportation, Despite Officious Orangutans Allowing Thirteen Valises! How hard is that?
We're constantly giving her poor grades on her chalk drawings and finger paintings, but she keeps just looking at the grades and going "D! Ha ha ha." I'm afraid a strict boarding school may be the only solution.
Her pronunciations also leave something to be desired. If you find yourself engaged in conversation with her, you may have trouble understanding what she's saying. Here's a guide that may help:
"Cock": If Ellie says "Ellie has cock," don't be alarmed. She means "clock." She does not actually own a rooster.
"Fock": Again, don't be alarmed. She means "frog."
"Matits": For the third time, don't be alarmed. (Seriously, stop with the alarm already.) She means "Muppets." She might also say "Piggy Matits," meaning she needs a movie or TV show that includes Miss Piggy. This is so that we don't put in "Kermit's Swamp Years," which features no Miss Piggy, and is therefore useless to her.
"Strojo": You might think she is referring to famed Olympic runner Strorence Griffith Joyner (or perhaps former Mets third baseman Stroward Johnson), but she actually means "stroller."
"Sha Shank": The first time she said this, I thought she meant she wanted to see "Shawshank Redemption," the beloved story of men in prison. I then got confused and showed her "Oz" instead. She didn't seem to enjoy it.
It turns out she meant "Java Train," a coffeeshop/restaurant we live a block from that is the perfect place for us to live a block from, since it has an indoor play area, an outdoor play area, coffee, baked goods, ice cream, a full menu, gumball machines, beer, wine, gumball machines full of wine, an outdoor play area for baked goods, and everything else a family could possibly need. There should be places like this in every residential neighborhood.
"Ooo ooo aaa aaa": This is her monkey impression. It's pretty convincing -- you do feel like you're looking at a big silly monkey.
"Fuff fuff" (said very quietly): Her dog impression. She apparently thinks dogs are very soft-spoken and adorable. I don't feel the need to break the truth to her just yet.
"Pbbbbbbbttttt" (with upturned hand hear her mouth): Her elephant impression. The hand represents the trunk.
"Pbbbbbbbttttt" (shaking head back and forth): Her zebra impression. This may not be well-accepted as the sound zebras make, but she and I were at the Como Zoo and saw a zebra do exactly this. We were enthralled to have a sound for zebras. (True fact: Giraffes don't make any noise at all. No vocal chords. You'd think there would be room in that long neck somewhere. But no. Jerks.)
"Rarrrrr!": Her lion impression.
"Rarrrrr!": Her tiger impression.
"Rarrrrr!": Her dinosaur impression.
"Rarrrrr!": Her monster impression.
"My daddy!": She yells this repeatedly when I pick her up from day care, as she runs toward me for a big hug. I respond with "My Ellie! My Ellie!" I suppose that one was pretty easily interpretable. But I wanted to mention it anyway for some reason.
"La boo": This means "I love you." She says it specifically to make me tear up with joy. Really manipulative of her, frankly. Boarding school will fix that.
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