As I'm sure you heard, a guy named Jason Collins became the first active player in a major American sport to come out as gay. He is now my favorite basketball player. I don't follow basketball at all, so it's not like he knocked anyone out of the top spot, but regardless, I'll be rooting for him from now on.
I knew that eventually this would happen, but I didn't think the response would be so overwhelmingly positive. President Obama, NBA commissioner David Stern, and almost everyone else immediately lined up to support Collins. There seems to have been a sea change in gay issues since the 2012 election, and it really is heartwarming to see. And in a more general sense, it's quite encouraging to see that basic human compassion (and reason) can eventually overcome firmly entrenched fears and biases. (And, incidentally, it's also a counterpoint to anyone who says that elections don't matter.)
I also discovered that I had a least favorite football player, some guy named Alphonso Smith. (I don't follow football either.) He apparently had some hateful tweets about Collins that he later deleted. Then he tweeted "it's a shame I have to apologize for my TRUE feelings."
I have a different view on a guy named Mike Wallace, also a football player who I've never heard of. (At first I thought they were talking about the legendary anchor of "60 Minutes." Then I remembered that he's dead. Seriously, living Mike Wallace, why didn't you go by "Michael"? Now I have to call you "Living Mike Wallace.") Living Mike Wallace also apparently had a bunch of hateful tweets, but then said "never said anything was right or wrong I just said I don't understand!! Deeply sorry for anyone that I offended."
I'm not particularly happy with Living Mike Wallace right now, but I much prefer his attitude. If he's truly sorry, and truly open to trying to understand, then he should be given every opportunity to do so. Hate the sin but love the sinner, as Christians might say. Anyone can change, and anyone can be forgiven if they do change.
Alphonso Smith's response, though, triggers one of my biggest pet peeves. It drives me up the wall when people say horrible things and then, when verbally attacked for it, act like they're the victims. Getting angry responses for something you say does not make you a victim. It only makes you someone who disagrees with other people. Much like everyone in the history of the human race.
Playing the victim card just because someone contradicted you is just such an obvious defense mechanism, one that allows you to delude yourself into thinking that the sting you felt from the public disdain must be the world's fault, not yours. It's the coward's way out. It gets you off the hook for self-examination, which should be at least one part of anyone's reaction to overwhelming disagreement.
And moreover, it is a horrible injustice to everyone who was ever truly victimized. There are still people in the world who are jailed and tortured for speaking their minds. Getting a few hate tweets isn't even in the same ballpark.
The worst is when people in this situation say something like "Whatever happened to free speech?" I think you misunderstand the concept. You see, free speech goes both ways. You're free to say whatever you like. And I am free to tell you that you're a complete asshole for saying it.
Free speech is not consequence-free speech. Free speech only means you can't be put in jail or be tortured for what you say. But you can be hated, shouted at, ostracized, fined, and even fired for what you say. Your words tell people who you are, and that means words have consequences. Not of the legal variety, granted, but of every other variety imaginable.
And then there's Smith's implication that your TRUE feelings somehow should never be something you have to apologize for. What? When did this happen? So you should only have to apologize for PRETEND feelings?
Your TRUE feelings can still be WRONG and HURTFUL TO OTHERS. People once had TRUE feelings that slavery should be legal. People once had TRUE feelings that witches should be burned. TRUE feelings are not necessarily RIGHT feelings.
It's true -- sometimes your true feelings are wrong. We've all felt things that we had to keep in check because they were wrong and needed to be ignored. I've felt murderous impulses over some jerk tailgating me on the highway. I've felt anxiety at being among a large group of people of a different race. Those were my true feelings, and they were wrong.
Being an adult means learning which feelings you should express openly and which ones you shouldn't. Granted, sometimes it's hard to know which is which. Fair enough. We all make mistakes -- but you have to be at least open to the idea that you may have made a mistake. That's the only way to ever learn anything.
To be clear, I think it's important to express yourself. But it's more complicated that that. Yes, you can express your feelings, but then you have to take responsibility for those expressions. If those expressions offend people, then you have to deal with that like a grown-up. Maybe those people are wrong to be offended. Maybe those people are right. You can engage them further about it to find out. What you can't do is cry foul and pretend you're being victimized just because someone got offended.
While criticism is necessary, I also don't want to see Alphonso Smith and others like him condemned to lives of eternal public hatred because of what they say. I don't think that solves anything -- instead, it just stiffens their opposition and makes progress more difficult. I want to see people like this gently convinced that gay people are no threat. That takes true dialogue, beyond just the venting of spleens that tends to pass for argument.
But for this to happen, Smith and his ilk are going to have to meet us halfway. You have to at least be open to the idea that your feelings may not be right. I promise to do the same. Without that, nothing can ever get better.
No comments:
Post a Comment