Summer reads!

By "Summer reads!", I of course mean that a person named "Summer" often reads. I'm not thinking of a specific person named "Summer." I'm just saying that, for the most part, people named "Summer" tend to be able to read.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that every single person on Earth named "Summer" can read. I'm just saying that if you took a random person named "Summer," the odds are very good that that person can read.

Some people named "Summer" are too young to read, granted. People less than 5 years old, for example. But, to my knowledge, "Summer" is not so popular of a name for babies in recent years that the worldwide population of people named "Summer" would be disproportionately less than 5 years old (assuming that 5 years old is the age at which most children can at least read somewhat).

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "How do you know that the population of people named 'Summer' aren't disproportionately under 5 years old (assuming that 5 years old is the age at which most children can at least read somewhat)?" And that's a fair point. I'll look it  up on one of my favorite Web sites, the Popular Baby Names section of ssa.gov.

OK, it turns out that "Summer" is consistently around 100th to 200th in popularity among girls' names in the United States. There was a period from 1982-1992 when it fell below that, into the 200th-300th range. And it didn't even appear in the top 1000 before 1971.

So that means there are relatively fewer people aged 20 to 30 named "Summer," and virtually no one over 40 with the name. That does change the equation somewhat. Still, that leaves at least 80-85% of all people named "Summer" of an age at which you'd expect they can read.

I know what you're thinking, for real this time. You're thinking "Why do you assume that all people named 'Summer' in the entire world above age 5 can read? Haven't you heard of adult illiteracy? Especially in Burkina Faso? And Afghanistan, where the literacy rate among women is a paltry 12.6%? What are you, a fucking moron?"

First of all, I don't care for your tone. Let's keep this respectful. Secondly, "Summer" is a name you would likely only find in countries in which English is the primary language. And in those countries, literacy rates are consistently around 99%. So while some adults named "Summer" are probably illiterate, it is a negligible number, one unlikely to change my estimate to a significant degree.

Oh my goodness. It just occurred to me that you might have read that title and assumed that this article was about good books to read on the beach during the summer. Oh, I'm so sorry. Here you came to this page because you are interested in good summer reads (or, more likely, because you know me personally), and instead had to withstand a long explication of the relative literacy rates of people named "Summer." I offer my sincerest apologies.

And to make things worse, I don't really have recommendations for books to read on the beach in the summer. I read the same sort of thing in the winter and the summer, and, truth be told, I don't really like beaches. I feel like if you've seen one beach, you've seen them all. It's basically just water and sand every time.

Granted, sometimes beaches are water and pebbles, and sometimes they're water and boulders, and sometimes they're water and giant boulders of solid gold (or so I presume from seeing the guys on the beach with metal detectors, whose willingness to look that ridiculous could only be explained by the promise of extreme riches). And those kind of beaches I actually like better, because there is more variation in things to look at. But the beaches that are just water and sand get boring quickly for me.

Maybe everyone is secretly is bored by beaches. Maybe that's why you have to bring a book. Are there any other activities that people really look forward to and then end up doing while reading a book? Eating alone, maybe. Reading, maybe. OK, there are a few.

I know, beaches are supposed to make me feel relaxed. But they don't, chiefly because I don't find it relaxing to be surrounded by screaming kids and swarms of unattractive half-naked bodies. I suppose I can at least get some fun out of sandy beaches if I do something on them, like swim or build sandcastles or dodge sharks or watch metal detectors pull up boulders made of gold or what have you. But just sitting there and reading a book -- I can do that at home, and do, pretty much constantly.

But you don't care about that. You came to this site and slogged through all of the preceding jibber-jabber because you are single-minded in your all-consuming passion for discovering my recommendations for good light reading. I clearly have an obligation to deliver just that. I'll try. Here we go:

"The Oxford English Dictionary," by various

"Hop on Pop," by Dr. Seuss

The Koran in the original Arabic

"Hop on Pop" in the original Arabic

I'll stop myself there. I should mention that my reading interests tend toward the esoteric. When I'm not reading the "Oxford English Dictionary," I tend to gravitate toward non-fiction books about the imminent collapse of society. This is clearly not in the spirit of light summer beach reading. I'll try again:

"Centuries-Old Men Trying To Screw High School Girls" by Stephenie (sic) Meyer
"Harry Potter and The Enchanted Figglebottom Winkerdoodle," by J.K. Rowlingblinkiebopsiedoo
"X Is For ... Um ... Xylophones (Which Could Be Used in a Murder, I Suppose)" by Sue Grafton
"I Am Not Spock," by Leonard Nimoy

"I Am Also Not Spock," by George Takei

"Wait, I Thought Leonard Nimoy Was Spock -- Was That James Doohan Then?" by William Shatner

"No, Bill, I Meant That I Can Do More Than Just Play Spock," by Leonard Nimoy

"Who Said That? James, Is That You?" by William Shatner

"Will You Guys Please Just Call Each Other Instead Of Communicating Through Book Titles?" by George Takei

"Wait, I Thought Leonard Nimoy Was Spock -- Was That James Doohan Then?" in the original Arabic

"The Oxford English Dictionary," by William Shatner

"Jesus, Bill, You Did Not Write 'The Oxford English Dictionary'!" by Leonard Nimoy

"Who Said That? James, Is That You?" by William Shatner

"Sigh ... Never Mind, I'm Spock," by Leonard Nimoy

"James! How Are You? Hey, Live Long a Prosper, Am I Right, Man? Ha Ha Ha ..." by William Shatner
"(Shoots William Shatner in the head)," by Leonard Nimoy

That's all I can think of right now. And also, my head is bleeding, because I was just shot in the head by Leonard Nimoy. Apparently he's on a bit of a rampage, resulting from some sort of disagreement with William Shatner. I've read their collective works extensively, and I can't imagine why ... xloosfoos .... finglebottom ... winkerdoodle ...

(Dies. Exeunt.)