Like many kids, I had to memorize the Ten Commandments. When you're a kid, you just kind of just accept them as written. God said them, and adults say that God said them, so that means they are definitely right.
I think this childhood indoctrination is why most of us still assume they're a set of pretty reasonable rules. Conservatives take it farther, saying they're the foundation of our government. Which is of course a load of crap: Only a few of the Ten Commandments are even laws anywhere in the United States, much less foundational ones. None are in the Constitution, for example, and some Commandments are directly contradicted by constitutional amendments. (I'm thinking of freedom of religion specifically -- that is not an idea God tends to be big on.) I guarantee I can find one essay by John Locke that has more constitutional principles than are in the whole Old Testament.
But anyway, the Ten Commandments are not only irrelevant to the U.S. Constitution -- some of them are pretty darn ridiculous. Now that we're all grown-ups, with internal senses of morality and abilities to engage in critical thinking and stuff like that, we can take a closer look at the Ten Commandments. Let's go through them one by one.
1. I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.
I'm not crazy about the fact that this one starts us off. But I'm not surprised, because this is pretty much the whole thrust of the Old Testament. As Bill Maher has noted, God usually comes across as a very insecure abusive boyfriend. Usually all he says is some variation on "Love me or else." "Love me or you'll all be flooded." "Love me or your city will be burned by the Babylonians." God's main way to gain power and influence is by making mortal threats. He's basically a Bond villain.
Sometimes you get a different spin on it. Sometimes it's more like "Prove that you love me by killing your only son." That's some pretty damn twisted stuff. That's beyond Bond villains -- that's more in the realm of a Hannibal Lecter.
At least this Commandment softens the message, putting in the terms of a neurotic mother laying a guilt trip on you. "You know, I did rescue you from slavery. So maybe you should find some time in your busy schedule to sacrifice a calf for me now and again?"
2. You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.
Yeah, God, we heard you the first time. Worship only you -- got it loud and clear. I realize that you're hopelessly insecure -- or in your terms, "jealous" -- but all you're doing here is giving more detail about how we should not have any other gods before you, which you covered in the first one. It's like if I said "Rule number 1: Don't eat my food. Rule number 2: Don't pick up my food, bite it, chew it, swallow it, pass it through your esophagus, digest it, and eventually poop it out. If you do, holy cow I will beat you up and every innocent person who is related to you."
And moreover, God, you've only got ten commandments here, and you just blew the second one with what is essentially a footnote to the first. You realize there are lots of terrible things people can do, right? Like rape? And slavery? You will find room for rape and slavery, right? OK, sorry, I shouldn't judge too early. Let's keep going.
3. You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.
Huh. Okay -- again, you only have ten of these. Now you're devoting a whole Commandment to making people say "goshdarnit" instead of "goddammit." I hate to be an armchair quarterback here, but is this really such a huge problem? In my experience, people who neglect to use their turn signals cause more death and destruction than people saying "God!"
Wait, is this just a footnote to the footnote of the first one? Is this still just telling us to love you? Are you going "Number 1: Only me! Number 2: Seriously, only me! No whittling driftwood into statues of Zeus or I'll totally kick your ass! Number 3: Seriously! Don't even say my name with a crappy attitude!" (I think I stole that one from Bill Maher too, by the way.)
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor, and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, you, or your son, or your daughter, your male servant, or your female servant, or your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates. For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy
Well, hell, this is actually a pretty good one. Here you're enacting a pretty decent labor law: Once a week, everyone gets a day off. I'm with you 100%. Good work.
However, I must say, if I were editing the Bible, I'd replace the long and boring list of applicable people with just the word "everybody." But I realize that's just splitting hairs. Or who knows, maybe people 4000 years ago needed a list like this. Maybe they were like "OK, yeah, I get to rest, but what about my livestock -- can they go plow the fields by themselves on Sundays? If I trap a sojourner within my gates, can he do my dishes?"
5. Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.
OK, that's pretty damn vague. I don't know if it's the translation's fault or what, but I have no idea what it's supposed to mean to "honor" your parents. Does it mean to throw them a banquet? Should I give them each a Golden Globe? Or will last-minute, half-assed birthday presents and monthly awkward phone conversations suffice?
As a kid, of course, we were told that it means to do whatever your parents say. But adults tended to turn everything into that message. And when you become a grown-up yourself, you're kind of supposed to break free from your parents and live according to your own conscience. Imagine if you did everything your dad told you to throughout your whole life. You would do nothing all day but buy insurance and do preventative car maintenance.
6. You shall not murder.
Whoa. I take everything back. Color me impressed, God -- that is one hell of a Commandment. Now you're talking! Obviously, God, you took my previous notes to heart. Here you use one of your commandments to disallow one of the worst things human beings can do. You said in clear language, with no ambiguity. It was even concise -- I don't see a long list of people and animals and sojourners that you shouldn't kill. Bravo. Let's have more like these.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
Pow! Another direct hit. I must say, God, you have improved by leaps and bounds at this commandment-writing thing. I'm giving you a Gold Star. If you get twenty Gold Stars by the end of the term, you'll get a bar of soap in the shape of Zoroaster - kidding! Ha ha ha, you have a sense of humor, right, God? Right, God? God?
8. You shall not steal.
Another good one. Stealing is definitely bad. Although, I must say, I'm watching the clock, and we only have two left now, and stealing is ... well, it depends on the amount, I suppose, but most kinds of stealing are more in the misdemeanor category. And I feel like you should really devote your limited space to felonies ... rape comes to mind, and we still have a few crimes against humanity uncovered, like slavery, for example. Just saying. I'm not saying you're on the wrong track -- just hoping to shift your trajectory a bit. Sorry. Go on, you're still on a roll.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Yeah, see, this is what I was just talking about. Lying is bad, absolutely. No argument here. But I'm getting the feeling that you're running out of bad things you can think up. Like, you're thinking "OK, covered murder, adultery, stealing ... what else is bad? Well, my neighbor did lie to me about what his dog did in my lawn, and that was really irritating. Let's roll with that."
Also, while I've been applauding your recent turn toward conciseness, God, in this case you could actually use a lot more detail. You could give examples of the really bad forms of lying -- perjury, mail fraud, etc. -- and then say something like "But if you get a last-minute, half-assed gift from your kid, you don't have to be honest: Just say you like it. There are shades of gray here, people."
10. You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male servant, or his female servant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's.
Jesus Christ, God. Now you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel. We're not even supposed to secretly want things now? Was this one thrown in just to make for an even ten?
But that can't be it, because there are so many other things you could have gone for with this one! I don't feel like I could have mentioned rape and slavery more often, but now the list is over, and they weren't in there even in passing!
Sigh ... OK, well, all told, it could be worse list of commandments. I've seen worse. You got at least three and maybe four great ones in there. The rest are pretty dumb, but at least they don't explicitly legalize terrible things (for instance, there's nothing saying "Slavery is awesome! Rape you all want!") There was the long tangent of "love me or else" which bled into three commandments, and you missed some major, major sins. All in all, I give it a C-minus.
Try to apply yourself more next time, and for Christ's sake, no more of the "love me or else" crap. You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Ask your son -- he knows what I'm talking about. (Man, don't you wish Jesus had written the Ten Commandments? Moreover, don't you wish someone had misplaced the Old Testament in a cave somewhere? I guess for Jesus's whole messiah thing to work you had to have the backstory of this God character who is his father and foreshadowed his arrival and all that. Still, I think of the Old Testament like I think of the Star Wars prequels: There are a few good scenes here and there, but it's mostly terrible and just destroys the series as a whole. Anyway, now I'm off on a tangent! God, you're rubbing off on me in the worst way! Oh, that God!)
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